Guinea Pirate's Revenge
by Peaceouttalove
Summary: What happens when Tweek and Kyle get kidnapped by a minion of the homeland security guy who is dying to get his revenge on Craig? Takes place 6 years after Pandemic 2. Lots of pairings Slash Creek\Bunny\Kyman\Stendy Don't own anything! First fanfic, please no flames!
1. Prologue

Prologue

The prophecy had come true; the guinea pirate had been vanquished by the one known as Craig. He had been trapped in a dark oblivion with Cthulhu for six years now. He had no idea how he got mixed up in Mintberry Crunch's business. All he knew was that the super hero wasn't letting either of them out anytime soon.

_ 'Hey, I just met you this is crazy but here's my number so call me maybe!'_ "Ugh,what is that inferior noise?!" Guinea Pirate cried as he covered his ears. "That's just my ringtone." Mintberry answered his phone, "Hello. A new software update? Awesome, I'll download it right away thanks!" Guinea Pirate fell back asleep as Mintberry updated the software on his phone.

_'So, Craig, we meet again.' Guinea Pirate smirked. 'Yes we do, it's been six long years. I knew you'd be back, so I've been preparing.' Craig replied. 'Oh, but what you don't know is that I'm more prepared than you.' Guinea Pirate told him, 'When you shot lasers into me in our last battle, the lasers penetrated within and now ironically, I'm going to defeat you with your very own weapon.' Before Craig could take in what he just said, Guinea Pirate shot lasers at him, rendering him dead. He laughed evilly, 'Now marks the reign of the Guinea People!' _

"NO!" Mintberry's scream woke him up. _'And thank goodness it did'_ he thought, _'because otherwise I would have never gotten this opportunity.'_ Apparently the software update on Mintberry's phone had created a hole in the force field that locked Guinea Pirate in the dark oblivion. A hole that was just big enough for him to fit through. "So long Cthulhu and hello Craig!" he called as he headed back to Earth. Oh how sweet his revenge would be!


	2. Chapter 1

Chapter 1  
"Tweek?" I called. Where was that kid? He was making me just as nervous as him. "Tweek, where are you?" "Craig, Craig, come quick! Quick! W-we have to go right now!" the blond boy appeared out of nowhere and dragged me by the hand to a coffee stand.

"T-they're giving out f-free coffee, but, it's for a limited time only!" he pointed to the sign. "So we have to hurry. Oh I hate deadlines..too much pressure!" "Calm down, we're not gonna run out of time." I assured my friend. "Two coffees, please." "Certainly that'll be ten dollars." the man said. "Oh no! We're too late!" Tweek shouted. I ignored him and argued with the man, "But the sign said free." He pointed the fine print, which read, _'By free, we mean $5'._ "Eight dollars." I bargained. "Deal." I handed the man eight dollars and got the two cups.

"Gee, t-thanks Craig." Tweek took a cup from me. I shrugged, "It was nothing." My birthday was in a month so my grandma would probably give me one hundred bucks anyway. Grandma was awesome; she gave me one hundred bucks ever year for my birthday and Christmas (but she said that if anyone asked Santa left me the money on Christmas).  
"So, you wanna go work on our science project?" I asked. "Sure, I think our project is great! " Tweek said. "Yeah, I really wanna win." "Win? Now that's way too much pressure!" I sighed, "You're right, Stan and Kyle always win anyway." Tweek seemed relieved.

Our project was testing whether cheese lost its scent in water. What we did was see if blindfolded guinea pigs could sniff out different types of cheeses in water. "OW!" Tweek shouted. One of the guinea pigs had bit him. "Are you OK?" I asked. "No, it hurts! And I'm gonna get infected with rabies or something! I'm going to die! Oh my God! I'm dizzy! It's all going dark!" I knew that Tweek was overreacting, but he was bleeding.

"Just stay calm, I'll go get you a bandaid." I assured him. "Stay calm? Stay calm? HOW CAN I STAY CALM WHEN I'M ABOUT TO DIE?!" Call him hypocritical, but Tweek actually calmed down when I rubbed some cream on his finger and wrapped a bandage around it. "Better?" I asked. He nodded.

_Ding dong!_ "AAAAA!" Tweek screamed at the sound of the doorbell. I let Kenny and Butters in. "Hiya, Craig, hiya Tweek! We came over to see what kinda competition we have for science fair." Butters greeted us. "Guess what?" Kenny said, "Stan and Kyle aren't talking to each other, so they're not doing science fair together this year! So with Stan and Wendy making out instead of working and Kyle and Cartman arguing instead of working, we might actually have a chance to win!"

"You OK, Tweek? You seem a little pale." Butters asked. "Pale? Oh no I must've lost too much blood!" They gave him a questioning look. "Guinea pig bite." I explained. Then I told them about our project. "That sounds cool! Our project is testing which melts faster, chocolate or fruit." Butters informed us. "I chose it because fruit and chocolate is sweet just like my little Buttercup." Kenny kissed his cheek. "Get a room!" I said. "Well, I guess we'd better get back to work." "See ya!" Butters added.

And he thought Stan and Wendy would be too busy making out? "You know, Tweek, we might be able to win." I said more confident than earlier. "No way man! I can't handle that pressure!"


	3. Chapter 2

Chapter 2  
Tweek twisted and turned in bed that night. He couldn't stop thinking about the pain in his finger and how it had subsided and stopped bleeding the moment Craig touched it. Winning science fair was a lot of pressure, but Tweek was willing to do anything to make Craig happy.

The pitter-pattering of tiny feet on the floor made Tweek jump out of bed. "W-who's there?" he shouted. "Squeak, squeak!" a guinea pig scurried to his feet. It wasn't just any guinea pig, though, it was the one that bit him. "H-how did you get in here?" "It is all part of Master Guinea Pirate's plan." the rodent squeaked back. Tweek nearly toppled over because he was screaming so loud. "Y-you can talk?" "Of course I can, I'm not you're average guinea pig you know."  
Suddenly the small creature on the ground grew and morphed into a giant guinea shark. Tweek let out a high pitch shriek that droned on until his voice was hoarse. "B-but I-I thought Craig and the Peruvian pan flute bands sent you guys to a dark oblivion!" Guinea Shark did not hear him because his voice came out as a shy whisper.  
"Ready to be defeated for real this time, Craig?" Guinea Shark asked menacingly. "I-I'm not Craig!" Again, Tweek's voice could not be heard because his voice was so hoarse from screaming. The monster then dragged him outside. His heart was pounding and he was crying. _'I'm going to die'_ was Tweek's last thought before everything went dark.

***

_ 'It's been a week since fifteen year old Tweek Tweak went missing. We go now to his parents. Mr. Tweak, what do you have to say about your son?' 'Well, he's a great boy and was hoping to win science fair this year with his best friend Craig Tucker. He loves coffee and is a very hard worker.' Mrs. Tweak burst into tears. 'He was abducted a couple years back, but we managed to get him back in time to hire the City Wok guy build a Great Wall of South Park, but that plan backfired due to-' _

I turned off the TV, not wanting anymore reminders on the fact that my best friend was no where to be found. Sitting here, watching his picture flash by on every commercial was more than I could bare. I had searched everywhere in South Park. What could have happened to Tweek? When weird stuff happened it usually revolved around Cartman, Stan, Kyle, and Kenny, not Tweek. Wait a minute, that was it!They were my answer. How did I not think of that before? Without giving it anymore thought, I rushed towards Cartman's. He was watching the news report while eating Cheesy Poofs. "What do you want, Craig?" "What did you do to Tweek?!" I demanded. "What the hell are you talking about? Why would I have something to do with Tweek's disappearance?" "Because you're the source of the town's problems." "Am not!" "Are too!" "Name one problem that was started by me?" "One? I can name at least one hundred." "I said one!" "OK," I pointed out one of his most infamous scheme, "Mr. and Mrs. Tenorman's death." "That was Scott's fault not mine!" Cartman protested. I rolled my eyes, "You almost got us all raped by joining NAMBLA." "You're such a baby, Craig."

I don't know why but the irrelevant insult randomly reminded me why I was here. "Just tell me what you did to Tweek so we can end this conversation!" I shouted. "For the last time I didn't have anything to do with Tweek's disappearance! Why do you care anyway, he's probably long dead by now?" Cartman shot back. Now that hurt. My best friend, dead. No, it couldn't be. "Shut up! That's not true!" "It could be. Now get outta my house before I call the police."

Before I could leave, Kyle came downstairs. "I finally finished the project, no thanks to you, fat ass!" He nodded in my direction, "Hi, Craig." "Hey, Kyle. Well, I'll see you guys and let you know if I find out anything else about Tweek." "Oh yeah, I'm sorry about that, I know how tight you guys were." I could tell that Kyle meant well but when he said were instead of are, it made me feel like crying. "Yeah, we _are_ super best friends, like you and Stan." He cringed when I mentioned Stan. Shoot, I forgot about their fight, or at least I thought they had a fight. Didn't Kenny say they weren't talking to each other anymore? Why else would he be working with Cartman and not Stan on science fair? I left before anymore stuff could arise.  
I spent the rest of the day pacing in my room, wondering where Tweek could be. Right now I wanted nothing more than to have him next to me. If he was here, I'd wrap my arms around him and...and...What the hell, I'd probably kiss him. It wasn't until now that I realized how much Tweek really meant to me. I think I might even be in love with him. Wherever, he was, I wondered if he felt the same way.


	4. Chapter 3

Chapter 3  
"You brought me the wrong boy!" Guinea Pirate shouted at his minion. If leaving Peru didn't weaken him, Craig would be dead all ready. "Oh, please give me another chance, Master!" Guinea Shark begged. "All right, but if you mess up again, you're fired!" Guinea Shark thanked him as he ran back to South Park.

Guinea Pirate looked down at the sleeping blond boy. If he was a friend of Craig's maybe the boy could be an advantage to him. Maybe he didn't have to rely on Guinea Shark anymore. The boy will be used as bait, Guinea Pirate decided. Then he scribbled a letter to the tooth fairy and told her to put it under Craig's pillow. "Craig you will be mine!" he laughed.

"Craig, sweetie, when I was washing your bed sheets, I found this under your pillow." My mom handed me a piece of paper. Odd. I was sixteen, and lost all my baby teeth, so I highly doubted that the tooth fairy would be writing me letters. There was only one word written on the paper: Peru. Could it be a clue as to where Tweek was? Wait a minute, _Peru_ was where Cartman, Stan, Kyle, Kenny, and me had ended up when they stole my grandma's birthday money. I knew they had something to do with it.

"Hurry up and eat your cereal, you're going to miss the bus." Dad told me with his 'I'm not going to drive you if you do' tone.

***  
Because of Tweek, I was disqualified from science fair. Shame because I really thought we could win. Anyway, the teachers said I could help judge the winner as long as I wasn't biased. So, here I was walking from exhibit, not looking at the projects, but looking for Stan, Kyle, and Kenny. Yesterday, I found out Cartman wouldn't admit to anything, but I'm sure the others could explain why what happened in Peru could link to Tweek.  
Right as I spotted, Kenny, Clyde called out to me, "Craig, Craig, check out my volcano!" He poured orange juice into his model volcano, and it erupted, only instead of the orange juice coming back out, it was real lava, which fell right onto Kenny. "Oh my God, they killed Kenny!" Stan shouted. Everyone turned to Kyle, who crossed his arms and turned away. It must've been a really harsh fight.

When everyone got over Kenny's death and Kyle not responding, I made my way over to Stan and Wendy's exhibit. Totally ignoring Wendy's explanation of their project, I cut right to the chase asking Stan, "What do you know about Tweek?" "What do you mean? I know as much as you do, and I feel awful." "What about that time we got stuck in Peru?" He looked really confused, "I honestly don't know where you're going, but if you need a friend to talk to about Tweek, I'm always here." "Yeah, I'm sure that's what you told Kyle." I said sarcastically. Stan turned pale, then he flipped me off. I guess I deserved that, I mean, he seemed sincere to help me with what I was going through with Tweek and all I did in return was bring up the fact that his best friend would rather hang out with the fat ass than him.

Without saying another word, I headed over to Cartman and Kyle's exhibit. The first thing Kyle did when he saw me was shout, "Stan and I _are not_ super best friends!" "Sorry. Do you mind if I ask what happened between the two of you?" Usually I could care less what was going on with the because if I got involved I would get sucked into some weird adventure, but this could be key to getting Tweek back.

"Oh yeah right, like you don't already know?" Kyle said sarcastically. "No I don't." "Wait, you're seriously?" Cartman started laughing. "Why would I know?" "Because it's all over the Internet. Look, here's the original post!" Cartman shoved his phone in my face. _Stan Marsh-Kyle is gay! (posted last week) 374 likes 1 dislike 123 comments_. I thought Stan hated Facebook. "And from there it spread like a virus! If you google Kahl's name the first thing that comes up is gay!" "Shut up!" Kyle shouted.

"And that's not even the best part, check out my comment!" _Eric Cartman- What do you care? Are you in love with him? LOL...fag!_ I wasn't sure, but I thought I saw a small grin on Kyle's face, but then it quickly disappeared. "The point is, I trusted Stan with my secret, and...and...Well, you see! Everybody freaking sees!" "It's not like anybody cares, Kahl, I mean we all kinda suspected you were gay. And I'm sure some other rumor will blow it away soon. In fact..."

"Cartman, what are you doing?" I yanked the phone from him right as he hit send. _Eric Cartman- OMG, Craig's like a stupid caveman, he has no idea what the Internet is. LOL. PS: he's also a hippy_;) I rolled my eyes.

"Kyle, I'm really sorry, and Cartman, you're an asshole, but right now I have bigger fish to fry, and I know you two can help me." "Sure, Craig," Kyle said, "I mean after all, you were the only one who didn't laugh after reading the post." I didn't wait for Cartman's response, "What does our adventure in Peru have to do with Tweek's disappearance?" Kyle gave me a questioning look. "Oh, not this again!" Cartman said. I sighed. Maybe the Peru thing was a coincidence, and maybe Cartman, Stan, Kyle and Kenny had nothing to do with this. So that brought me back to square one.


	5. Chapter 4

Chapter 4  
Stan felt awful. He didn't post that thing about Kyle. He hadn't touched his Facebook since he had tried to delete it and got sucked into the system. Someone must've hacked into it. Of course, when he told this to Kyle, he didn't believe him. Along with Kyle, he literally lost Tweek. The worst part about that was that there was nothing he could do. At least with Kyle, he could attempt to apologize. To make things even worse, Wendy had a crush on some foreign exchange student from Peru. How could he lose her to someone who could barely speak english? And to top it all of, Randy decided to start vide taping everything again. Sometimes life is just a face palm.  
***

Call it a coincidence, but some foreign exchange student from Peru came to school and Butters and I were assigned as his buddies. All he did was talk about his pet guinea pig and make us do his homework for him. A gut feeling told me I should bring up Tweek in case it was more than a coincidence.

"Hola Pedro!" I greeted him. "Hola!" "I have an amigo, Tweek, and-" "Oh sí, sí, Tweek es on news. He no here." "That's right, he's missing, and I was wondering, if you knew anything." Pedro looked confused, "I sorry, qué?" Before I could respond, Wendy walked by, "Hola Pedro, comó estás?" "Muy bien! Y tù?" "Bien. Nos vemos!" "Adios!" Since when did Wendy know Spanish? I should really ask her for help because all i got out of their conversation was 'hola'. Whatever.

"So, Pedro, do you know where Tweek is?" I tried again. "Tweek?" "Sí, where is he?" "No here." "I know he's not here. Where is he?" _Brriiiiiiinnnnng_! "Oh no late to class! Adios!" Pedro ran off.

Poor little Tweek was out there somewhere, alone and there was nothing I could do. Managing to hold back the tears, I headed to class.

_ 'They all know'_ Kyle thought as he walked through the hallway. "Hola, Craig, ready to face your fate?" He jumped when he realized that the foreign exchange student was talking to him. "Oh, I'm not Craig. Me llamo Kyle."

"Silence! I promised Master Guinea Pirate that I wouldn't screw up again, so nothing you say will stop me!" His accent had completely vanished. "What are you talking about?" "I think you know all ready!" he said as he morphed into a guinea shark. "Oh my God! I thought you were banished by the Peruvian pan flute bands!"

"Wrong! Now prepare to be defeated by the one you were told to have defeated in the prophecy!" "But I'm not Craig!" Kyle tried again. Instead of listening, Guinea Shark, dragged him outside, like he did with Tweek.


	6. Chapter 5

Chapter 5  
On the rare occasions he ran out of coffee, Tweek would always have a candy bar. Of course, it would make him really nervous that if he ate too many, he would get fatter than Cartman. Then I would laugh and say that that he would have to run out of coffee every day for the next two years for that to happen. 'T-thanks, Craig, that makes me feel a little 're a great friend!' I could still hear Tweek's voice as I unwrapped my candy bar.  
"I'm going to kill you, Craig!" I nearly jumped out of my skin, but then I realized it was only Cartman. "Here, if it means that much to you, fat ass." I handed him the candy bar. "I'm not killing you over chocolate, but I'll take it anyway." So this wasn't a matter of 'Hand over your candy bar or die?' "Then why do you want to kill me?" I asked. "That stupid prophecy thing!" Cartman replied. "What stupid prophecy thing?" "You know, when we all got lost in Peru, and-"

I stopped him the minute I heard Peru, "Ah-huh! I knew you had something to do Tweek's disappearance!" Cartman just stared at me stupidly, "No, because of you one of those stupid guinea things is back and -" I cut him off again "That's it!" I shouted and jumped for joy. "The giant guinea pigs are back and have Tweek in Peru. It all adds up." "Glad I could help," Cartman said sarcastically, "now get your ass over to Peru and defeat the stupid homeland security pirate thing once and for all!"  
"Since when do you care about Tweek? Heck, since when do you care about anyone?" "I don't, I just don't want the guineas to get me next. In fact, I'd better go with you to Peru in case they attack here again." I had an odd feeling Cartman was lying to me. "No, you'll just slow me down. This a matter of life or death, not a vacation."  
"Life or death? I'd know a lot about that." Kenny and Butters happened to be walking by and must've overheard our conversation. "What the hell's that supposed to mean? And besides, you're too poor to afford to come to Peru." Cartman said.  
"Peru? My great grandpa lives there. He says that he knows where the secret lair of those giant guinea pigs is." Butters bragged. "We take Butters along." I said without hesitation. "What?" Cartman shouted. "Hang on, fellas, I can't go running away to Peru without getting grounded." "Butters please, this is really important. We might be able to save Tweek." I begged. "Oh alright." he gave in.  
"If Buttercup goes, I go." Kenny insisted. "No!" Cartman and I said at the same time. "What if the plane crashes? You'd want a survivor to tell the story." "Ken's right, fellas, his gift could come in handy." Butters said. What gift? Was I missing something here? I glanced at Cartman who looked just as confused as I was. "What are you talking about? Kinneh's too poor to afford a gift." "What? You mean, you don't know about Kenny's inability to die?" Butters asked, shocked. "Butters, what have you been smoking?" I asked. "It's true. I can't die. Whenever I die, I just come right back the very next day and nobody remembers. I've only told six people, and of those six Butters is the only one who believes me." Kenny stated." "I'd like to boost it to eight and three." he made this sound like a question.  
"Kinneh, you could've just asked Craig to pay for your ticket. Now he'll never pay for it because t's one thing to be poor, but it's another thing to be poor mental and a liar." Cartman said. I rolled my eyes, "Fine, I'll pay, but this is for Tweek, not any of you."

"All right!" Butters shouted, "This is turning out to be real adventure! Me, my Ken-Ken, you and Eric all off to Peru! How exciting! Wait why are we going again?"

"Hey, have you guys seen Pedro?" Wendy asked. "Oh, yeah, last I saw him, he turned into a huge guinea shark and kidnapped Kahl, but of course, you could care less that he's a monster because you just want to have sex with him...slut." Cartman said. "Shut up! Wait...Giant guinea shark? Weren't they vanquished by the Peruvian pan flute bands?" "And Craig!" Butters added. I rolled my eyes.

"Look, I don't have time for games. I need to find Pedro." Wendy said. "He's in Peru!" Butters said, "You can come with us. We're leaving tomorrow!" "No we're not!" Cartman shouted. "Peru? I've always wanted to go to Peru." "Look what you've done Butters!" Totally ignoring Cartman's comment, I said, "You know Wendy, you should probably come because none of us can speak Spanish except you." She nodded, "Thanks, Craig, but first can I ask why we're going?" "To save Tweek and Kyle." I simplified my explanation. "All right I'm in!"

"Um, guys," a voice from the shadows called, "I couldn't help overhearing, and I was wondering if I could come along, too." "I guess, it's OK, Stan." I said. "Are you kidding me? Let's just invite the whole school!" Cartman shouted. "We meet at the air port tomorrow morning." I said. _'What the hell are you doing, Craig?'_ a voice in my head asked, _'You're setting yourself up for disaster!'_ Then I told that voice it was for Tweek and he shut up.


	7. Chapter 6

Chapter 6  
"Tweek, wake up!" Kyle shook the boy, but it was no use; he was out cold. The guinea shark must've shocked him so much that he fainted. "Don't worry, I'll get us out of here." Kyle whispered. He reached into his pocket and pulled out his phone, but much to his dismay, he didn't get a signal.  
"But you can't fire me! Please!" Kyle quickly pretended that he was unconscious as he heard Guinea Shark's voice. "Thank goodness for my backup plan." Guinea Pirate said, "Another faithful worker of mine has informed me that because of it, Craig and five of his friends are coming to rescue their blond and ginger friends. I am probably going to have to kill his friends to get to him because the Facebook message and lava did not work." "Facebook message and lava?" Guinea Shark asked. "Yes, to make sure Craig's friends couldn't help him I distracted them. I hacked onto one of their Facebook accounts and cyber bullied, and then I put real lava in that kid's volcano, hoping that it would explode and kill one of them."  
Kyle clasped his hand on top of his mouth to keep from gasping. Stan hadn't sent the message. He felt like a total jerk right now. Why hadn't he believed him? He was his super best friend. Super best friends would never to that kind of stuff to each other. All Kyle wanted to do right now was get back to South Park, so he could apologize to Stan, and warn the others not to come here.  
Tweek suddenly stirred. He groaned and sat up. "C-Craig?" "Tweek, shhh!" Kyle hissed. It was too late, Guinea Pirate and Shark had heard them. "They've heard your plan! What are you going to do?" Guinea Shark asked. "Hmm, tel you what, If you can kill them, I will rehabilitate you." "Yes, Master!" "Kill us? NOOO!" Tweek started hyperventilating.  
Guinea Shark lunged at Kyle, but he managed to squirm out of the way just in time, so that Guinea Shark's teeth snapped the shackles instead, freeing him. Dodging the lasers Guinea Pirate shot at him, Kyle dashed to the key rack. "Tweek, catch!" he passed him the keys to his shackles and then the two ran for it.

"Thanks for the ride, Dad!" Stan said as he hopped out of the car. "Wave to the camera, kids." Randy said. Stan pinched the bridge of his nose. "We're not kids, we're sixteen." "As far as I'm concerned, you're both kids until you've gone all the way. Now wave bye!"  
The only reason Stan agreed to go on the trip was so that he could win back Wendy. He wasn't exactly sure why Craig and the others we're going...something about Kyle and Tweek, but that didn't matter. All that mattered was that Wendy would be distracted from-

"I really hope we visit Pedro. He could give us a tour." Wendy said. _'Pedro this, Pedro that, Jesus, it's all she ever talks about'_ Stan thought. He just nodded and led her to the gate Craig said they would all meet at.  
"Bad news, guys, the woman at the desk said we can't get on the pane without an adult." Craig informed them. "That's bull crap! Kahl and I got on a plane for free without an adult when we were nine." Cartman said. "That was because you said you had cancer." Stan pointed out. "Well that's it then, we say that we all have cancer and we'll get on the flight." Kenny said. "No way! What if actual people with cancer need our seats?" Wendy said. "Yeah, if I pretend to have cancer, I'll get grounded!" Butters said. "Fine, I'll call my dad. He'll have to chaperone" Stan reluctantly said to stop the fight that was bound to happen.

Tweek had never ran this fast in his entire life. "I-I think we...lost them." Kyle finally panted. "No we have to... keep running, t-they'll come..back. They're gonna kill us!" "You're right, let's keep moving." Kyle said as he checked his phone. "Damn, still no signal." "No signal? No way to contact home? We're hopelessly lost with those monsters hot on our trail and no food or water! Oh God! This is not good!" "Calm down, Tweek, we're going to be OK." Kyle assured him. "NO!" Tweek screamed.  
The only person who could make him calm down was one thousand miles away and those guinea things want him more than them. _'Without Craig, I'm going to die!'_ Tweek thought. With teary eyes, he followed Kyle through the Peruvian jungle.


	8. Chapter 7

Chapter 7  
While Mr. Marsh video taped the plane ride (much to Stan's dismay), I plotted out my plan on a piece of paper. First, we would go to visit Grandpa Stotch, who according to Butters knew where the guineas' lair was. Next, we would have him take us there, where we would hopefully find Tweek and Kyle. From there we would grab them and get out before any weird shit could happen. It was a bad plan, but it was the only plan I had.

"I'm coming, Tweek." I whispered. It wasn't until Butters handed my a tissue that I realized I was crying. Well, that was embarrassing. "It's OK." Butters squeezed my hand reassuringly. "Ken tells me I cry all the time when he dies, off course I don't remember...but the point is crying just means you care and caring doesn't make you a baby." "Thanks, Butters."  
About an hour later, we landed in Peru, and were picked up from the airport by Grandpa Stotch. "It's great to see you again, Montequilla, my you've grown!" "It's great to see you again, too, Grandpa!" Butters gave him a hug, "These are my friends, and like I said on the phone earlier, we're here to save our other two friends from the guineas."

"Yes, and I have to say this is quite serious, and I fear we don't have much time left until t he guineas return to power." "But Craig sent the head of Homeland Security to a dark oblivion." Butters pointed out. "And when he did another Incan prophecy was set," Grandpa Stotch explained, he turned to me, "I take it that you're Craig." I nodded. "I'm sorry son, but the prophecy says you are going to die."

_Sorry it's so short _


	9. Chapter 8

Chapter 8  
"I'm sorry, what?" I managed to say. Grandpa Stotch sighed, "According to the Incan prophecy, the guinea pirate is going to use the very lasers that you shot into him to electrocute you." Lasers? What lasers? All I did was stand on that stupid platform and then this electric source bulged out of my eyes. Was that what he meant by lasers.

"I am almost positive that your kidnapped friends are being used at bait. Craig, you cannot go back to their lair." Before I could tell Grandpa Stotch that I had no idea where their lair was, a giant guinea pig hopped in front of the car.  
"Well, what are you waiting for, Craig, use your laser thingies to destroy it." Cartman said. "I can't-" "Concentrate, Craig, you can do this!" Grandpa Stotch told me. By simply budging it with his paw, the guinea pig flipped the car over. "Shit, we're gonna die!" Stan shouted, as the rest of us screamed our heads off. The only one who kept his composure was Grandpa Stotch. "You're the only one who can stop it, Craig!" "I don't know how." I said.  
"Wait, I have an idea!" Kenny said. He hopped out of the car. "Kenny, no!" Butters shouted. "Don't worry about me, just run!" he said right before the guinea pig lunged for him. "Oh my God, he killed Kenny!" Stan shouted as we ran for it.

"I'm really sorry about your friend, Lenny." Grandpa Stotch said as he poured us some tea. "Kenny, and he'll be back." Butters said. "That's what I love about you, Montequilla, you know that spirits live on forever and travel in different forms."  
I felt miserable as the others forced on smiles. Technically, I killed Kenny. I was a bastard. He had sacrificed himself for me. If I had only used those lasers that Grandpa Stotch told me about, then Kenny would still be here.  
"And your brave friend definitely proved something to all of us." Grandpa Stotch continued, "We must do everything we can to prevent the prophecy from coming true. Craig must be protected because otherwise the world as we know it will be in the paws of the guineas." "What exactly did the prophecy say?" I asked. "Well, it said that Guinea Pirate will kill you with the lasers, allowing all guineas to roam free, free to claim the world as their own and kill all of mankind." "But won't the Peruvian pan flute bands just keep them away?" I asked. "When you die their music will become powerless." "That's awful!" Butters cried. "It's why we must fight to keep Craig alive."  
"No!" I cried, "No one else is going to die for me!" I headed for the door. If this was the way the head of HS wanted it, then this was the way he was going to get it. Grandpa Stotch hopped in front of me, "Where are you going?" "I'm going to end this." I said. "I can't let you do that." "Yes you can, now get out of my way." "No, let's not make any drastic decisions yet, it's late, we should probably all go to bed and discuss this in the morning." I sighed, "Fine, but if I decide to go after Guinea Pirate in the morning, you're not stopping me.

I couldn't sleep at all that night. If I could just get back onto the platform, then I might be able to recreate the lasers and defeat Guinea Pirate again. It was worth a shot. I mean it was better than just having more people die for me.

As I snuck downstairs, I bumped into someone. "Cartman?" "Oh, hey Craig, you sleepwalking, too?" "No, I'm going to stop Guinea Pirate and get Tweek back." "Good luck, you're really prepared with those lasers." he said sarcastically. "Shut up and let me go!" I said. "Take me with you." "No! Why would I take you with me?" "Because, you're better off going with someone than without someone." "Since when do you care about me?" "Can you just stop asking questions, so we can go!" "Fine, but if you slow my down, I swear."

That was when I realized that Cartman was the first to ask me to come to Peru and we had a similar conversation. Again I got a vibe that he wasn't telling the truth. Odd.


	10. Chapter 9

Chapter 9  
Kenny returned to Grandpa Stotch's in the middle of the night. Dying had exhausted the shit out of him and all he wanted was lie down next to Butters and fall into a deep sleep. Of course, Butters wouldn't let this happen. When he heard Kenny approach, he immediately sat up. "I missed you, Ken! Where were you?" "Hell." Butters stared at him for a moment, not really understanding, then it hit him, "Aww, I'm sorry." "Don't be, it's not your fault. Damien and Pip say hi by the way. So did I miss anything important?" Kenny said as he lay on the bed. "Well, it depends, how long were you gone?" "Pretty much all day."

"Oh, um, Grandpa made us tea and explained how we had to protect Craig because the prophecy says if he dies then the guineas will take over." Butters summed up. "Sounds pretty intense." Kenny mumbled into Butters's hair. They were just starting to relax when the sound of the door being slammed shut made them both jumped. "What was that?" Butters whispered. "Probably the wind." "What if it's not? What if it's one of the guineas?" Kenny pulled him tight to his chest, and whispered, "I won't let them get you. I'll die as many times needed if it's for you."  
However, the next day, they discovered that it wasn't the wind, or the guineas. "Craig and the fat ass are gone." Stan informed them. "Good morning, Kenny, are you OK, 'cause last time I saw you, you had your head being ripped off by a giant guinea pig. Oh I'm great, Stan, thanks for asking." Kenny hated being woken up early in the morning. "This is serious, dude. If Grandpa Stotch is right about this whole prophecy shit, then we could all be dead in less than hour." "I'll be dead in an hour either way!" Kenny shot back and slammed the bedroom door in his face.  
"Someone's a cranky little monster." Butters said. "Buttercup, you don't know the half of it." Kenny sighed, "Dying really sucks." "Cheer up, Ken. It's not like it's the end of the world." "Actually, with Craig gone, it is. I should probably go apologize to Stan, so we can go save him and unfortunately Cartman." Butters nodded.

"Any signal yet?" Tweek asked. Kyle shook his head. "Crap." he murmured as his power went from 12% to 11. "Oh shit! That can't be good!" Tweek shouted. "It's fine, I'd say we have about a half an hour until my phone dies, so we might be able to get a connection by then." Kyle assured him, but deep down he was starting to lose his composure.  
_Craaack!_ "What was that?" Tweek asked. "I don't know, but it doesn't sound good." Kyle replied. _Craaaaaaccck!_ There it was again, only louder this time. "It's coming from over there!" Kyle pointed to a gigantic nest filled with cracking eggs twice their size. _Crack, crack!_ Before either boy could react, huge baby sea turtles climbed out of the now broken shells. Tweek screamed, "T-they're gonna eat us!"  
"Relax, sea turtles are harmless, they don't even have teeth." Kyle said as if he was reciting the information out of a text book. "B-but, you could say the same thing about guinea pigs, and when they're tripled in size they suddenly become dangerous!" "Good point, and they do look kinda angry." Without any more thought, they ran for it.  
"D-did we lose them?" Tweek panted. Kyle was unable to answer because he was so stunned at what they had run into.


	11. Chapter 10

Chapter 10  
"So what's your plan?" Cartman asked. "Um." "You do have a plan, don't you?" "Of course I do!" I lied. "Well, then what is it?" "We find the guineas' lair, which I think is in the cave with the Incan prophecy, defeat the head of Homeland Security, and save Tweek and Kyle." Cartman snorted, "Great plan." "You come up with a better plan, fat ass! You know I didn't ask you to come along!" That shut him up, so I felt quite satisfied with myself.

After half an hour or so, we reached the cave. "There might be guinea guards, so, we have to be sneaky." I whispered. Before the fat ass could reply, I was pushed to the ground, and a giant paw punched my lights out. "So, we meet again, Craig." the guinea pirate's voice was the last thing I heard.

"CRAIG!" Butters shouted. "This is not good." Grandpa Stotch said as they continued to call his name. "He couldn't have gotten far. At least not with Cartman tagging along." Stan said. "You don't think they went to the guineas' lair?" Kenny said. "Impossible. They have no idea where it is. I never told them."Grandpa Stotch reminded them. "Well, it's obviously in that Incan cave, a retard can figure that out." Stan said. Grandpa Stotch's jaw dropped. "Then we have to go there, now!" Butters said. "No, Montequilla, it's much too dangerous." "Hamburgers, I'm not letting four of my friends die!" Butters ran off in the direction of the jungle. "Buttercup, no!" Kenny chased after him. "I'm with them." Stan decided, "Come on, Wends, let's g-Hey where's Wendy?"  
***

Wendy showed up in the clearing like Pedro had told her to in the note. A weird spot for a Spanish lesson, but it would have to do. "Hola, Wendy!" he appeared out of nowhere and greeted her. "Hola, Pedro, estoy listo para mi leccíon." "You're fluent enough in Spanish, how about a private tour of Peru?" "Private tour? I'd love a tour, but it'd be better if Stan came along because it would be really romantic and all." "Since when did you like Stan?" "Since third grade, why would you-Oh my God!" Wendy caught onto Pedro's tone, "You didn't think because of our Spanish lessons, I liked you?"

"You don't like me? That's a lie, I see your face light up when I'm around, and the way you always want to talk to me in español, showing off your speaking abilities. I'm not stupid, that's how Americano chicas flirt." Pedro practically shouted at her. "Flirt? No way! I don't like you. You're a great person and Spanish teacher, and I'm sure we can be friends, but I'm in love with Stan, and-Shit! That's must be why he's been acting all weird lately, he thought I was flirting with you."  
As if on cue, Stan arrived at the clearing. "What the hell are you doing here?" he shouted at Pedro. "Good of you to join us, Wendy was just confessing her feelings for me." "Stan, I can explain-" "Yeah, Wendy, go ahead, explain. Tell me why you're alone in a romantic clearing with this not bad looking guy you've been flirting with all week." "I wasn't flirting. I love you. The only reason I've been taking these stupid Spanish lessons with him is to impress you."  
"Impress me? Wends, I practically worship you." Stan's voice softened. "Really? You mean, you weren't going to dump me for Heidi because she's fluent in French?" "Since when did I give a shit about other languages? I can barely keep up a C average in English. If anything I thought you'd dump me for some smarter guy who's better looking than me." "No, I hate boys who are smarter than me, and I don't think I know any guys who are better looking than you."  
Wendy realized she was crying, "God, I'm sorry. Can you forgive me?" "Forgive you for what?" Stan said, "I should've trusted you. I'm the one who should be sorry." When Wendy gave Stan _that_ look, she was surprised that he actually kissed her, and didn't just throw up, like he usually did.  
About a second later, he pulled away and looked kind of pale. "Uh, love you, Wendy." he said awkwardly. "I love you too, Stanley." She kissed his cheek, and that did it. "Ew!" Wendy half shrieked, have laughed, as Stan threw up.  
Pedro cleared his throat. "You're right, Pedro, I'm fluent enough in Spanish. Adiòs!" But before Wendy or Stan could move out of the clearing, Pedro morphed. "I might've lost the other two, but I'll be damned if I let both of you get away as well."

**Stay tuned to see what Tweek and Kyle ran into!...**


	12. Chapter 11

**This is the last chapter before the epilogue and I would just like to say that I really appreciate all the support I've been getting! Thank you everyone who has taken the time to read and review this story! I'd like to send out a special shout out to Creek Grrl who seems to be the most active reader. So thanks everyone for making my first fanfic a success! And now without much further ado here is chapter 11! **

Chapter 11  
"No!" Kyle said in disbelief, as he looked up at the crab people. "P-Please don't given me an anal probe!" Tweek shouted. The crab people laughed, and then one stepped forward, "Aliens give anal probes to humans, we just eat them." "Oh God, that's even worse!" Tweek cried.  
"But because the guineas are stealing our reputation, we would like to make an alliance to bring them down." "No way! " Kyle shouted without hesitation. "I don't trust them either. Besides making alliances with people who want to eat us is way too much pressure!" Tweek agreed.  
"Well, then, we'll just have to eat you anyway." the crab person said. "On second thought, we'll join you." Kyle said, "But that doesn't mean we trust you." "Excellent! I am Crab Leader." He held out his claw as if he wanted them to shake it. "You're gonna pinch me with that thing, so I'm not shaking it! AAAA, so much pressure!" Kyle rolled his eyes, "I'm Kyle, and that's Tweek."  
Crab Leader nodded, "Do either of you boys know Craig Tucker?" "Craig's my best friend. He's the best I love him!" Tweek blurted. "Do you know where he is?" "I wish I did." Tweek said, and a single tear escaped from his eye.  
"The guinea's cave." Kyle mumbled. "What?" Crab Leader and Tweek turned to him. "Guinea Pirate said that Craig and the others were coming after us, so that's probably where they went." "Shit, then we have to go save them before it's too late! So much pressure!" Tweek shouted and ran back to where he and Kyle had come from.  
***

"I'll be up in a minute, Mom!" I called, but when I opened my eyes, I realized that I wasn't in bed. My arms and legs were shackled to a wall of a dimly lit cave...Guinea Pirate! He was going to kill me for sure. I had to get out of here.  
No, there was something more important that I had to do now that I have finally made it to the lair. "Tweek!" I whispered his name. "Tweek." I tried a little louder this time. "Tweek, if you can hear me, please respond."  
"He's dead, Craig." Guinea Pirate's voice startled me. It took me a minute or two to even comprehend what he just said. "No! Dead! No, no, no!" I pouted like a little girl, the tears coming like rain. "Yes, I killed him. I tour apart his worthless body limb by limb." As he said this, I felt like I was being torn apart limb by limb. "No! YOU HEARTLESS SON OF A BITCH!" I cried. "Now comes the best part..." Guinea Pirate grinned and I knew he was going to kill me. I closed my eyes and got ready to leave this world. 'I'll be with you soon, Tweek.'  
My tears burned, and stung, and in a split second I was completely blinded by a bright blue light. The lasers! When my vision returned, the shackles disintegrated. I fell to the ground and was breathing heavily.  
"Dafaq was that?" Cartman asked. "T-the lasers." I looked around at all the dead guinea pigs. I did it! I saved mankind! But then why did I feel so empty inside?

Stan, Wendy, and Pedro stared in awe at the be light coming from the cave. Suddenly, without warning, the guinea shark dropped dead. The couple gasped, before coming to the conclusion that Craig must've done it and ran into the cave.  
"Oh my God!" Stan shouted as he looked around at the dead guinea pigs. "It's over." Craig said with teary eyes. "It is? Oh that's wonderful!" Wendy wrapped arms around her boyfriend and kissed him. "Get a room, you stupid hipp-Kahl?" Cartman gasped as he saw the green hatted boy walk into the room. "Eric, I missed you!" Kyle ran to him and hugged him. The others looked at them awkwardly. "Yeah, we've been together since Stan sent the message! Get over it! Is it really that big of a surprise!" Cartman shouted. Kyle pulled away, "Stan, I'm sorry that I didn't believe you. I knew you would never send that message. I was just angry and-" "I forgive you!" Stan said without hesitation.  
"Guys, can you please go happy somewhere else?" Craig asked rudely. "C-Craig?" a voice called from the entrance of the cave. Craig gasped, "Tweek? Oh my God Tweek, baby!" He ran to the boy and wrapped him into his arms and kissed him without giving it another thought. "I love you so much." Tweek said as he kissed back. "Love you more." Craig whispered.  
"Awe." Butters cooed as he came in with Kenny, Grandpa Stotch, and Randy. "Well, it looks like everything turned out OK." Randy told the camera. "Not necessarily." came a voice. Everybody jumped as Crab Leader walked into the cave followed by the rest of the crab people. "Oh, look, there's some hungry looking crab people, wave hi to the camera hungry crab people." Stan pinched the bridge of his nose.  
Right before they could get ready to run for their lives, a blast of blue light exploded from the camera, and the crab people vanished. A new prophecy was suddenly inscribed on the cave wall. It was a picture of crab people running from Randy's camera. "Awe man, I lost all my footage." was all Randy had to say about this.


	13. Epilgoue

Epilogue  
It's been four months since we got back from Peru, and I have to say, I've never been happier. As for Tweekie (yeah, that's what I call him now), well, he was just as happy as me and soon he would be even happier because I had something very special planned for his sixteenth birthday tonight.  
I had learned that the source of my lasers (without the platform) was through anger and grief. However, slowly through practice, I learned to control it so I could use them whenever I wanted, which came in handy in case somebody pissed me off.  
Anyway, Tweekie met up with me around nine, like I'd asked him to. It was a clear night sky, every star in sight. Perfect! "I have something for you." I said. "The _Starbucks_ gift card you gave me earlier was enough." he replied. "But that was only half of your gift, here's your other half."  
I focused on the sky, and sent my lasers straight up to the moon, creating bright blue fireworks. "You like 'em?" I asked. "Yes, I love them..almost as much as I love you." I grinned and wrapped my arms around him, embracing him into a giant bear hug.

I found my perfect other half, and I could never be happier.

THE END!

**That's all folks! Hope you enjoyed 'cause I sure did. Sorry the ending was so cheesy, I just suck at writing epilgoues, in my opinion it's hardest thing to write under the prologue. Please review!**


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